Insomniac and Explaining my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypocondriac.  I have insomnia more often than not and I have tried every natural remedy known to mankind.  We don't have medical insurance so I just try to deal with it just as I do my borderline and every other thing that is wrong with me.  There is a whole list, I won't bore you with right now.

I was up all night last night.  It was a useful night, I sent out lots of emails trying to promote my other blog.  I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned my kitchen about 2am after an hour of attempting to sleep, then found the strength to clean up the younger two girls room at 5am, again I had tried all that time to fall asleep.  Laying in bed awake after a tragedy as what has happened in Oklahoma certainly weighs heavy on the heart.  I should have been exhausted, I did at lesat 6 loads of laundry yesterday, and laundry wears anyone out.

I flipped out one time yesterday, I cannot remember for the life of me what for (that happens when I get manic).  I need to start writing in a paper journal and taking notes so that I can come back here and tell everyone about my episodes.  It was a good day overall but I was very demanding when my husband got home from work, I wanted help with a lot of things despite the fact he had been up working since 2am.  I let the borderline get in the way of that and act extremely selfish and get antagonistic.  I know in the back of my mind he does so much and has been working all day, plus going to school after that, but somehow the bpd gets in the way and I go off the deep in at least a few days a week.

Explaining my Borderline Personality Disorder in further detail:

The disorder affects how I feel about myself, how I relate to others, and how I behave.  I have all the symptoms of the disorder which include and are not limited to;

impulsive and risky behavior

destructive behavior, including self injury with the feeling of little or no control

severe mood swings (manic one minute and crying the next)

mood swings usually last a few minutes to few hours and change in a instant without notice

inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior that can lead to physical fights

difficulty controlling impulse and emotion

feeling like noone understands me, alone, and hopeless about everything

Fearful of being alone (hence six kids)

So basically I am like a horomonal teenager 24/7.  It has taken me years to learn some degree of self control, I know when it is happening, however there is nothing in the world I can do about it.  I am so very thankful that my husband has stood by me through all my episodes throughout the years.  I hide my crazy well, I don't even know how many friends and family know I have this disorder.

BPD does not make me a bad wife or a bad mom.  I am not a danger to my children, husband, family or others.  I do occasionally do something wacky to hurt myself, I have been rushed to the emergency psych ward for slitting my wrist, I have fallen off the "impulsive and risky behavior" wagon more than a few times, feeling worthless and hopeless about everything.  As a child I was institutionalized many times, however I was not diagnosed with the disorder until I became an adult and had four children.

I'll tell you how I came to the realization something in my brain was not functioning correctly in my next blog posting. Much thanks to my husband for always being here for me, I love you and the children so so much!

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Six Kids

I am a stay at home mother of 6 that suffers from borderline personality disorder.  Technically during the school year I stay at home with 2 while the other 4 are off to school during the day.  Believe me there are still plenty of things to turn my day into insanity.  My husband is a "good one".  He works a fulltime job and goes to school fulltime, after falling on hard times the past few years he has decided to enlist into the United States Aiforce Reserve.  I am not the least bit nervous about this because he spent ten years in the Navy before they decided they no longer needed his service and honorably discharged him.

Most days I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  I have tried both sides and it doesnt seem to change anything.  I keep asking myself if there is possibly a "right" side of the bed.  The difference in four and six kids is my sanity.  With four kids I held it together with my "supermom" ability.  I made sure everyone had squared meals and snacks, checked backpacks regularly and helped with homework daily.  I made sure everyone had a bath every night and went to school all spiffed up for the day.  I went to bed with the dishes clean and floors vaccumed/mopped.  But then there came 6.

I have a 2 and 3 year old that stay at home with me all day if I did not previously mention that.  Potty training is not fun in the least.  Just when I thought we had it down, piles of poop started appearing in various rooms of the house and the only indoor animals I have are my two girls.  Well, when I started scolding them verbally for the "mess" they wsere making and how "yucky" it was they decided to hide it under a towel or piece of clothing.  I have a pretty sensitive nose so I know when someone has an accident, I just have to sniff it out like a damn dog or something...

I don't know why I went off on that rant.  I just want you to see my life is not picture perfect.  We don't go to church, although I feel like we should.  I cannot remember the last time I had an alcoholic beverage, I feel like I need one daily though.  We don't smoke, we don't socialize...I guess we are mere outcast from society aside from our children.  I mean when is there time for anything other than family when you have six kids...

I know my husband must love me because I am an absolute nutcase.  I can remember manic episodes from the first few years we were married that most men would have got out and run as far away as possible, somehow my husband has stood by me and comforted me through the worst of times and allowed me to keep pushing babies out at the same time.  Now that was thoughtful!

Last count was six.  Let me tell you that is more than enough.  I wanted a bunch of kids, well I thought I did.  I had four and wanted more, but as soon as I had five and was pregnant with six I realized we just might be in over our heads.